Say the thing
A reminder to choose candor.
I just got back from a Hampton Foundations retreat, a space designed for Hampton members in their first year of membership. 45 founders from around the world descended on Austin, Texas to connect in person and do all the stuff you can’t do over Zoom. All the IRL hubbub and all. I participated as a member (#dogfooding), rubbing shoulders with successful, kind and brilliant founders.
I love this stuff. I’ve attended retreats, I’ve helped run retreats, and I’m a bit of a junkie for it. Yoga, self development, professional development, I’m in. So many of my favorite retreat experiences start the same way: with a thing that cracks the container open and lets us connect deeply, quickly. I call it, very scientifically, the “say the thing” exercise. Every great retreat leader has that opening bit that hooks attendees in and gets them to say the hard thing that attendees are carrying in. After sitting in many rooms with strangers and saying the thing, I’ve gotten good at it. I’ve actually come to revere the opening exercise as the required tension breaker that helps everyone lower their guard.
What is saying the thing?
Saying the thing is that unspoken, maybe unarticulated tension you feel walking into a new, sacred space where you’re meant to connect or transform. It’s the big thing sitting inside you that’s usually quite heavy.
At the Hampton retreat, we ended the opening day by saying the thing we were most afraid of, and I had the “privilege” of going first. I got to tell 45 successful founders I was scared they wouldn’t find I had value to add since I wasn’t a founder like them 😳. Around the circle we went, all of us speaking the ugly fears we’d been carrying. Once we all went, we collectively exhaled and released the tension together.
When you say the scary thing right out the gate, you surrender, sink in, and presence becomes possible.
It’s got me thinking about saying the thing more generally. It’s “easier,” maybe, to say the thing when you’ve committed to growth and transformation with time and money, like on a retreat. But when the stakes are lower, often, it can be so much harder to be direct. Like when your partner doesn’t show up for you in the way you needed in a given moment. Or when your boss undermines some of the decisions you made for the team. When you feel dismissed or excluded by a friend.
In all of these scenarios, saying the thing can be a lot harder. But the cost of not saying it is usually higher. And worse, it compounds over time.
If we all committed to saying the thing in everyday conversations, aka directness, how much quicker could we get to collaboration, creativity, and connection?
Walking away from the magic of a retreat I’m thinking about the 3 key ways I practice saying the thing. I’m sharing them here too to encourage you to cut to the chase, quicker as soon as this week. That’s my challenge to you:
Articulate it by writing it down.
Before you say the thing out loud, get it out of your head and onto the page. The thing you're avoiding is almost always hazier in your mind. Writing it down forces sharpness. You find out what you actually mean, what you actually want, and often, what you're actually scared of. I've written about the magic of writing it down before. Organizing disorganized feelings is usually 70% of the work.
Keep it personal.
Say what’s true for you. Not what’s wrong with someone else or what someone else thinks. The most powerful version of saying the thing starts with “I.” I’m frustrated. I’m scared. I want something different. I noticed I shut down in that meeting. When you keep it personal, you sidestep the defensiveness and you give the other person something real.
Use bottom line communication.
This came directly from our retreat leader, Angela Parker, and I loved the branding she gave brevity. Lead with the headline. Most of us bury the actual message under so much cushioning that the other person never hears it. Bottom line communication means the first sentence out of your mouth is the point. “I’m hurt.” “I disagree with the direction.” The context, the nuance, even the softening can come after.
I left Austin thinking about how rare it is to be in a room where everyone agrees to drop the armor at the same time. Most of life isn’t that room.
So, to use bottom line communication, pick the thing this week you’re been evading. Write it down. Keep it personal. Lead with the headline.
And then say the thing to whoever needs to hear it.
Hi - I’m Jori and I’m a Product Coach. If you’re Product Leader or on a Product team looking for support - drop me a note.
In an effort to try to get better at "saying the thing," i have a little test I give myself. I think about the "thing" that i'm scared of saying or gives me a little butterflies in my stomach when i think about sharing it. If i get that tiny bit of fear, then BINGO i know it's the right thing to say.